Donna Matthews

Author: DM Matthews

  • Winter Cold

    I have a nasty winter cold, I’m sure many of you do as well. This cold is so bad I’m starting to wonder if “man flu” can cross gender lines. It started out as a normal head cold which made me feel rubbish for about 4 days, then last Tuesday I thought I was well again. Only to wake up Wednesday morning sounding like a bad impression of Kermit the Frog. Friday followed with a character voice change to something between The Mime and Minnie Mouse! I spent most of the weekend trying to get well for Monday (today), no joy on that front because I woke up in the night thinking someone let off a grenade in my throat! What the Hell is this bug?
    I’m at that fun stage where I cannot taste anything and swallowing takes great mental strength to prepare for the next thundering shock wave. I just tried to eat my dinner (minestrone soup) and the timing it took to breathe, take a spoonful of soup, chew and then breathe again could have been plotted on a project plan with a Gantt chart.
    Enough already I want my body back.

  • Lab Rat

    Today I felt as if I was part of a lab experiment conducted to test the human threshold for the number of meetings sustainable in one day, without totally losing one’s mind. We have all had days with marathon meetings or even back to back meetings that test the capacity and robustness of your bladder. Today took things to an all new, almost unnatural, level. My day started at 07:00 and my first meeting at 08:00 just like every day however today once finished with the normal 3 meetings on the trot routine there was no break, then before I knew it 1:00 came and went with me still in meetings. By this time I was beginning to wonder if going to the loo while on mute was even remotely acceptable or professional. By 1:20 with an afternoon of more meetings ahead a miracle happened and my meeting ended 10 minutes early. My bladder was overjoyed! I even had time to get to the canteen for coffee before the afternoon barrage started. Mercifully my last meeting ended at 6:30. I’m not sure if I passed the endurance tests because by this stage I was babbling incoherently!

  • Interesting Discussion

    Today we had the pleasure of having our eldest granddaughter with us for the day. As Monday is our “take Nonna to Northampton day” Ellie got to come along for the 1 1/2 hour ride. Ellie was rattling through the various subjects of conversation (as defined by a 5 year old), such as school, friends, little sister updates and then we got…”when we were with my mummy’s nanny last week, she cooked dinner and she poisoned me! ” At which point Pam and I exchange curious glances wondering where it’s “story” came from. She went on to say that she woke up in the night and was sick. “It’s okay to be sick in a bucket because the bucket will catch it.” By now Pam and I are in stitches! Ellie was still going on about the intricacies of being sick in the top bunk while your little sister is asleep in the bottom bunk. All said with her very serious tone. Ellie then realised that neither of us could speak because we were laughing so hard. “Being sick is no fun you know, I don’t know why you are laughing.” There you go sorted out by a 5 year old.

  • One has to ask the question why

    This week I have had a new experience and one I do not wish to ever repeat. As humans we have evolved over millennia yet we still have a couple anatomical oddities, one the appendix, two the gallbladder. It is the latter that I had an unwelcome experience with. One has to ask why do we still have this organ that we can function normally without. Yes, it has a job to do but the liver is pretty good at holding its own, in the bile production stakes, considering we no longer have a need to digest such things as roots and bark. Yet the gallbladder remains and for many of us becomes an evil enemy causing literal gut wrenching agony. It is mostly due to these little stones made up of cholesterol and other biological goodies, that decide they fancy a vacation to another part of the body. So they pack their bags are hit the road. Their first stop is the bile duct and for some of our bulkier tourists this is a very tight squeeze. So tight in fact that it creates, for the owner of the gallbladder, excruciating pain that lasts over several days. Finally, when the human owner is ready to perform self surgery, using a steak knife and a hand held mini vac, the little bastards squeeze through and are gone on their merry way. The relief is tremendous, you come out of this pain filled fog back into the sunlight. Then it hits you, what if the remaining gallstone population decide to move on. The thought sends tendrils of dread through me. I can honestly say that never before have I wanted someone to cut me open and rummage around in my abdomen but the thought of those little bastards coming back makes it sound like a reasonable idea.

  • My New Most Embarrassing Moment

    As it is a new year, new beginnings and all that I thought it was time to share my new most embarrassing moment. It has taken me the best part of two months to get up the courage to share this with you. Here goes…in late November I started a new job and on my first day with the company I had to go into London to the Head office before going off to the client site where I was to be based. So, you know how awkward first days can be, it feels like you are the new kid in class. It is one of those things you just want to get through. Well picture this, I arrive on time all ready to go and I am told I will be meeting with the Operations Manager to get all the paperwork etc. in order. After a few minutes this very nice lady comes to get me and we go into a glass walled meeting room, not quite a fish bowl but close from the middle of the wall to the floor the glass was frosted.

    We get started going through the various bits of paperwork as she is explaining things to me I get this sinking feeling. Not emotionally, I mean sinking as if I seem to be shrinking away from the table. I start to think “what is going on, am I having some strange panic attack? No, that can’t be it because I’m not nervous in the least. What the Hell can this be?” The whole time this is going through my head I am continuing to feel like I’m getting smaller. Then all of a sudden bam! I’m falling backwards, but not far off the ground, now I’m somersaulting backwards onto the floor!! I am mortified. The poor Operations Manager jumps out of her chair to help me up looking panicked now herself. Asking if I’m okay. I was fine physically but unbelievably embarrassed and still unsure of what happened. When I unceremoniously got back to my feet, I looked at the chair that only moments ago was fine but now is flattened to the floor. It was kind of an S design that obviously my ass was too much for! Then I remember feeling this flood of relief as I realised the frosted glass had saved me from office wide humiliation. I have since learned that particular chair had been sidelined and bound for the bin that coming weekend. (I still think I just squashed the poor thing.) There you have it, my new most embarrassing moment.

  • Really?

    I just heard an advert for Peppa Pig World that if you buy a ticket during a limited time you can get the second day free. I have a couples questions here; when they say the second day is free do they mean real days or Peppa Pig days? I ask this because Peppa’s days appear to be about 6 minutes long. Any parent or grandparent who has been subjected to Peppa Pig knows this. My next question is why? Why would any sentient being want to endure a second day? 6 minutes long or not!
    I know the kids adore it, not quite sure why but I can confirm that my grandkids never and I do mean never hit the Peppa Pig wall. They can watch the same episode over and over with as much glee and joy as the previous one millionth viewing. How this is possible is beyond me but hats off to the creators of Peppa because they must know more about how our kids brains work than we do. Example, they can watch Peppa endlessly without complaint but get them to come away from the telly to do some other activity and immediately you hear “I’m bored!” You want to shout “you won’t know what bored is until you have kids and the Peppa Pig of their day is driving you nuts!” I realised my Peppa threshold was once and truly breached when I heard myself practically begging my 4 year old granddaughter to watch Doc McStuffins just for a change!!

  • More Funny Workplace Behaviours

    As our project team continues to grow we are getting introduced to an even more diverse group of people and with that some new behaviours. As I promised you I would do I’m keeping you informed of the very best of them. One of my current favourites, which I have yet to personally experience, but have had been fully briefed on by someone who has, is the low volume murmur. My colleague/informant started hearing this quite yet persistent noise. At first she thought it was some background noise from the office equipment. Then realised no one was using the printer or other devices. She looked around to see if anyone else was reacting as if they too heard something. Nope, everyone was head done, hard at work. Soon after it dawned on her that one difference was that she had a new desk neighbour. By this time the noise was starting to burrow its way into her brain. So, she slyly watched the new arrival and saw her lips moving and could hear the “h
    mmmmmummm”.
    Now at least she had confirmation that she was not losing her mind, she felt marginally better. This lasted for a total of 2 minutes because now that she knew what is was and where it was coming from it was no longer possible to tune out. The questions started to bubble to the surface of her mind in rhythm to the “hmmmmmumm” “Is this noise because she is reading and thinks she is doing it silently?” Could she be humming the most tuneless song known to man?” “Or is she on a mission to drive me insane before the end of her first day?” At this point my informant could no longer suffer alone so she quietly started asking others sitting in the general vicinity if they too had noticed the additional undertone that had emerged. Of course she had to do this using messaging technology so as not to make the new person uncomfortable. It was soon confirmed that several other people were on the brink of migraines from trying to first figure out what the noise was and second trying to block it out. All had been extremely unsuccessful in the latter!
    For clarification this started on Monday of this week, we are now at Wednesday and no one has broached the subject with the murmurer. The British politeness gene is still in clear evidence in our office. If this was happening near me I would have had to take swift action. Newbie or not something would have been said or duct tape may have been deployed as a solution!

  • Why does the Yang have to follow the Ying so quickly?

    I know the title of this post is a bit befuddling but I hope it will all become clear. This past weekend is a great case for my question. I attended a family wedding on Saturday and it was fantastic. Everyone did something to make the day a success. Whether it was preparing food, decorating the village hall (which was the venue), creating flower arrangements etc. it all came off without a hitch even the weather did its part to make the day perfect.
    It was back to work this morning so that meant an early night last night to be ready to tackle the week ahead which I knew would have its own set of challenges.

    I had a feeling when I woke up this morning and found a cold sore that had developed overnight, that it might not be a great day. My taxi was booked for 7:00 a.m. and it arrived promptly giving me hope that maybe I was wrong and cold sore was not an omen for the remainder of my day. I ensured that the driver knew the route I wanted to take and mentioned that I might close my eyes for awhile (hoping this would say) “I’m too tired to chat”. However that message did not get across on the first attempt. An hour later as we approached a queue of traffic I took my opportunity to shut my eyes for a few minutes. When I opened my eyes and looked around I got the distinct feeling we were not where we were supposed to be. I caught sight of a mile marker post just as it flashed by and I thought for sure it said M40 (we were meant to be on the M42. ) Even if you don’t know specifically where I’m talking about I’m sure you get the point I was not on the correct motorway! I waited for the next junction sign to make certain I was right before speaking. Sure enough the next sign comes up and I now know I’m in the wrong place.
    I said to the driver “we are on the M40 not the M42″ he said ” are we?” Which worried me even more. I wondered if he too closed his eyes for a while! He apologised profusely but the damage was done. That error added another hour and a half to my journey getting me to work at 10:45 instead of 9:00’ish.
    Finally I arrive at work and there are 3 people waiting to speak to me. This was another bad sign. After these 3 impromptu meetings one of which contained more bad news I returned to my new desk (yes yet another seating change on Friday) to find out they did not set up my equipment properly and my laptop refused to play nice with my mouse or my monitors. Getting itself in such a tizzy that it eventually “blue screened” technical term for “going belly up!” I had to raise a HelpDesk call then wait for IT to arrive. In the end it was 12:05 when I was finally able to log in and start to work.

    So back to my question “why does Yang have to follow Ying so quickly?” I had a beautiful weekend (the Ying) then the Yang (my rubbish day today) could not wait to balance the scales.
    The good news is I will always remember the wedding and will completely forget the rubbish day.

  • One Person’s Luck is Another Person’s…

    Last week we were out with friends at the beautiful Avon Gorge Hotel in Bristol.  They have an incredible terrace with views across the Avon and of the Clifton suspension bridge.  We are sitting there after ordering, having a drink when all of a sudden I heard a “Splaaaat!” Immediately followed by this slap against my forearm.  I looked down and saw a thick, long, green blob that ran almost from my elbow to my wrist.  It looked like pesto on steroids.  After the laughter at the table died down and my stomach settled a bit, our lunch arrived.  I had ordered Cous Cous and roasted goat’s cheese salad.  When the waitress placed my plate in front of me my stomach lurched as I noticed they had decorated my plate on both sides with a thick slug-like dollop of PESTO!  Needless to say it looked far too familiar to my recent forearm experience.  So, some people say when a bird poops on you that it is good luck.  Well within 5 minutes of the food arriving the skies opened and there was a torrential rain shower that we had to out run back to the shelter of the bar.  if that is the kind of luck bird poop brings…count me out.  I’ll keep looking for my 4 leaf clovers thank you.

  • Another Chapter of Life in an Open Plan Office

    Today’s story line is; what people do when they are waiting for their printing to complete.  This may seem like a very benign subject but I think you will be surprised at some of the behaviours  I’ve witnessed.  My desk position (for the time being) is at the end of a row facing one of the two printers that service 80+ people on this project.  So when someone is standing there waiting for their print job to finish they are in my eye line, which is why I notice what they are doing.  (Didn’t want you to think I was just nosy!)  Here are a few good ones.

    We have the traditional toe tapper.  I didn’t actually think this was something people did other than when “acting” like they are waiting but no people do tap their toes while waiting.

    Then there is the individual that always uses their printing time to do some stretching exercises, which is a very sensible thing to do if you are stuck in front of a computer all day.  However, if the print job is a bit longer than normal our stretching turns into a full on fitness session with deep knee bends, calf stretches (using the wall next to the printer) and yesterday I saw him do a couple of vertical jumps.  Now that is going a bit far as by then he had the attention of most of the room.

    We have those folks who use their time for deep thinking.  They stand their in front of the printer and you can see that their body is present but there is definitely no one at home.  Their minds are somewhere else entirely and you can usually see from their body language if it is a good place or not.  Yesterday I had the two extremes between the lady who had the biggest pout on her face I’ve ever seen on someone older than 4.  About 15 minutes later we had the person who was obviously thinking about a very good dream or something else equally lovely because the look on their face was such that when they saw me look up at them they turned bright red!

    Finally my favourite for this week is the man who I think was practicing his Karaoke routine for Friday night.  He was literally doing various dance moves and singing to himself.  No, I am not making this up. I couldn’t make out the words of the tune but the dance moves said someone who did most of their dancing int he 80’s and 90’s trying to adapt to something more Street.  I have to say I could not help myself and I had to clap when he was finished.  Keep your eyes open for funny office stories.